I'm having a couple of problems with this. One is simply time: I need to spend as much as I can on the consciousness book (One week), and I also need to spend some time each day doing something other than writing.
The other goes a bit deeper. I'm very impressed by the Human Givens approach to lifting depression (see various previous posts), but I'm not so sure it's the best way forward for me. This is because I have a fairly well developed habit of regular meditation, which in my mind is tied-in to Buddhist ideas and to my own philosophy. As Eleanor Tyrrell showed in her comment on Day 5, there's no conflict there—or at least none between HG and meditation, and I don't think HG conflicts with Buddhism or my philosophy either—but I feel I need to make the best use I can of the tools I have to hand, and that means improving my meditation practice, and combining that with some basic positive visualisation.
If it wasn't for the time problem, I'd continue this diary, because I certainly hope my recovery will continue! In any case, I'm not going to wipe it, and I might post occasionally in future. I've enjoyed writing it so far, though, and I hope you've gotten something out of reading it. Bye for now.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Two weeks
Two weeks today since I started this, and almost one since the last post.
I'm feeling better today than at any time since the experience that inspired me to start writing on this topic, two weeks ago yesterday. Then, it was the optimism I felt having read the first third or so of the Human Givens book on lifting depression (see Day 1). This time, the cause is not so clear.
I was out last night, seeing friends. We met in one of their local pubs, had a drink, moved to another pub, had another drink, then went back to their place. They're a married couple with grown-up kids, one of whom still lives with her parents, but she was out last night.
Now, people who suffer from depression should not drink alcohol. It stimulates the production of seratonin, which makes you feel good at the time, but when the effect wears off, the pendulum tends to swing the other way. Some of my worst times have been when hung-over.
But not today! Not that I drank all that much last night, but in the past it would often have been enough to make me suffer in the morning, and quite likely the afternoon too. Now, I can't tell you all the facts that might be relevant here. But here's something of interest: meditation as a hangover cure!
I first experienced this quite a long time ago, maybe 20 years or more. Back then I practiced Transcendental Meditation, and had done since 1977. This is a powerful technique, but, as I eventually realised, not suitable for depressives. One morning I was meditating, with a hangover, and I suddenly felt it lift.
Now I think about it, this is sufficiently significant that it deserves some research. (There was no web back then, and no other convenient way to do such research, and I've not experienced it much in recent years.) So I think I'll need to revisit this topic. Suffice it for now to say I believe the main reason (though not the only one) I feel so good today is basically the same as on Day 5, with the added benefit of a hangover cured. (I got some good philosophical writing done early this morning as well.)
I'll probably be back with more words of wisdom, or not as the case may be, later today or tomorrow.
I'm feeling better today than at any time since the experience that inspired me to start writing on this topic, two weeks ago yesterday. Then, it was the optimism I felt having read the first third or so of the Human Givens book on lifting depression (see Day 1). This time, the cause is not so clear.
I was out last night, seeing friends. We met in one of their local pubs, had a drink, moved to another pub, had another drink, then went back to their place. They're a married couple with grown-up kids, one of whom still lives with her parents, but she was out last night.
Now, people who suffer from depression should not drink alcohol. It stimulates the production of seratonin, which makes you feel good at the time, but when the effect wears off, the pendulum tends to swing the other way. Some of my worst times have been when hung-over.
But not today! Not that I drank all that much last night, but in the past it would often have been enough to make me suffer in the morning, and quite likely the afternoon too. Now, I can't tell you all the facts that might be relevant here. But here's something of interest: meditation as a hangover cure!
I first experienced this quite a long time ago, maybe 20 years or more. Back then I practiced Transcendental Meditation, and had done since 1977. This is a powerful technique, but, as I eventually realised, not suitable for depressives. One morning I was meditating, with a hangover, and I suddenly felt it lift.
Now I think about it, this is sufficiently significant that it deserves some research. (There was no web back then, and no other convenient way to do such research, and I've not experienced it much in recent years.) So I think I'll need to revisit this topic. Suffice it for now to say I believe the main reason (though not the only one) I feel so good today is basically the same as on Day 5, with the added benefit of a hangover cured. (I got some good philosophical writing done early this morning as well.)
I'll probably be back with more words of wisdom, or not as the case may be, later today or tomorrow.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Sunday, Sunday
I should have mentioned yesterday that there's a comment on Day 5 from one of Human Givens people, Eleanor Tyrrell. I'd implied, stupidly, that they might see meditation as competition. She set me straight, and what she said is definitely worth a look.
Short of time again today, but here's another coincidence for you. I was eating my breakfast this morning when suddenly there was a crunch in what should have been a mouthful of soft stuff. I went through to the bathroom, pulled out and examined the contents then had a close look in the mirror, and I've lost a corner of a crown. So I went back through to the kitchen, where my radio was tuned to BBC Radio 4, and within, literally, two or three minutes, on came a program about dentistry. Check it out here. It's actually very interesting, on the development of dentistry in the US and the UK. But in a week's time that link will probably point to a different article.
Short of time again today, but here's another coincidence for you. I was eating my breakfast this morning when suddenly there was a crunch in what should have been a mouthful of soft stuff. I went through to the bathroom, pulled out and examined the contents then had a close look in the mirror, and I've lost a corner of a crown. So I went back through to the kitchen, where my radio was tuned to BBC Radio 4, and within, literally, two or three minutes, on came a program about dentistry. Check it out here. It's actually very interesting, on the development of dentistry in the US and the UK. But in a week's time that link will probably point to a different article.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
One week
I've given up trying to number these posts consistently—it wasn't a good idea in the first place—but it's a week since the first, so...
My mood has been up and down during the past week, more up in the early part and down later. Coincidently or not, I've done very little reading of the Human Givens book since the first couple of days. Not that I would expect merely reading any book to have much benefit, but at such an early stage, I guess, I haven't yet incorporated the ideas, so when I'm not being reminded of them by reading, I simply forget them and lapse back into the pre-book state. And, of course, despite what I said on Day 5 about meditation, doing that hasn't compensated. The implications are fairly obvious, I think: get back to the book, and optimise the meditation.
Time is, of course, a significant factor in all this. For the first part of the working week (Mon-Fri) I was quite busy earning a living. It's quietened down now, and, because of a knee injury, I'm going to try to keep it that way for the next week at least, though it can be difficult to turn work down, if you're self-employed. But there's plenty of other things to be done: I'm working on a book on consciousness, for instance, and for the last day or so I've been immersed in a fascinating new book by Bruce Rosenblum and Fred Kuttner called Quantum Enigma: Physics Encounters Consciousness. If you're interested, there's a website. Amazon.co.uk quote a long waiting time but other UK online book retailers have it in stock.
I'm keen to get back to that, as well as the depression book, and there's plenty of housework and the like too, so that's about it for today. I'm thinking of starting another blog on philosophy, which would further squeeze the time available for this one, but we'll see...
My mood has been up and down during the past week, more up in the early part and down later. Coincidently or not, I've done very little reading of the Human Givens book since the first couple of days. Not that I would expect merely reading any book to have much benefit, but at such an early stage, I guess, I haven't yet incorporated the ideas, so when I'm not being reminded of them by reading, I simply forget them and lapse back into the pre-book state. And, of course, despite what I said on Day 5 about meditation, doing that hasn't compensated. The implications are fairly obvious, I think: get back to the book, and optimise the meditation.
Time is, of course, a significant factor in all this. For the first part of the working week (Mon-Fri) I was quite busy earning a living. It's quietened down now, and, because of a knee injury, I'm going to try to keep it that way for the next week at least, though it can be difficult to turn work down, if you're self-employed. But there's plenty of other things to be done: I'm working on a book on consciousness, for instance, and for the last day or so I've been immersed in a fascinating new book by Bruce Rosenblum and Fred Kuttner called Quantum Enigma: Physics Encounters Consciousness. If you're interested, there's a website. Amazon.co.uk quote a long waiting time but other UK online book retailers have it in stock.
I'm keen to get back to that, as well as the depression book, and there's plenty of housework and the like too, so that's about it for today. I'm thinking of starting another blog on philosophy, which would further squeeze the time available for this one, but we'll see...
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Day 5
A couple of Human Givens people have left comments (under Day 3/4, part 3, & Day 1), for which I'm grateful. They're thinking about setting up an HG blog so are looking around to see what there is already. They were quite complimentary but they might not be quite so keen on what I'm going to say today.
I've already mentioned that I'm a Buddhist of sorts and that I meditate. Coincidence or not, I don't know, but about the time I started reading the Human Givens book (see Day 1), I also had a really good meditation (though some say we shouldn't judge them). In fact, I caught a glimpse of emptiness. That's a Buddhist concept, for which the best online explanation I've found, after an admittedly brief search, is here.
I really think it's pointless to try to separate out influences here: did my mood upswing owe more to the book or the meditation? How much did the meditation owe to the reading? I don't know, but I am convinced that I'd have no need of any such reading if I could catch such glimpses on a regular basis. I practice mindfulness meditation everyday, and despite what I just said about judgement, I do need to improve its quality.
Lightening up a bit (because although I've been going on about them, I don't really attach much significance to them), here's another coincidence: in my work I deal with lots of people in the local area, so I collect loads of local phone numbers. I visited one client yesterday, and in the six years I've been doing this, I've never come across a number so close to mine as his: to turn one into the other, all you do is transpose two adjacent digits. And this chap is called Robin too, a name so uncommon that I don't think more than a couple of other clients share it. What are the chances of that?
The Stephen Fry documentary last night (previous post) was very interesting, by the way. I've decided that if I am bipolar, it's a very mild case—certainly compared to some of those in the film! So I'll just carry on trying to do what I know is good for me, which includes not worrying about things like that.
I've already mentioned that I'm a Buddhist of sorts and that I meditate. Coincidence or not, I don't know, but about the time I started reading the Human Givens book (see Day 1), I also had a really good meditation (though some say we shouldn't judge them). In fact, I caught a glimpse of emptiness. That's a Buddhist concept, for which the best online explanation I've found, after an admittedly brief search, is here.
I really think it's pointless to try to separate out influences here: did my mood upswing owe more to the book or the meditation? How much did the meditation owe to the reading? I don't know, but I am convinced that I'd have no need of any such reading if I could catch such glimpses on a regular basis. I practice mindfulness meditation everyday, and despite what I just said about judgement, I do need to improve its quality.
Lightening up a bit (because although I've been going on about them, I don't really attach much significance to them), here's another coincidence: in my work I deal with lots of people in the local area, so I collect loads of local phone numbers. I visited one client yesterday, and in the six years I've been doing this, I've never come across a number so close to mine as his: to turn one into the other, all you do is transpose two adjacent digits. And this chap is called Robin too, a name so uncommon that I don't think more than a couple of other clients share it. What are the chances of that?
The Stephen Fry documentary last night (previous post) was very interesting, by the way. I've decided that if I am bipolar, it's a very mild case—certainly compared to some of those in the film! So I'll just carry on trying to do what I know is good for me, which includes not worrying about things like that.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Day 3/4, part 3
What a coincidence! Two coincidences in one day!!
As you know if you've been following this, I've been somewhat preoccupied today, as I bounce out of a period of depression, about whether I'm manic-depressive. What do you know, the actor and comedian Stephen Fry is presenting a television program all about bipolar disorder, with himself as the prime example, this very evening! (Here's the programme's website, which I've only glanced at so far but it looks really good.)
Calm down, you say, you've obviously seen trailers for it during the past few days, or seen it in the schedules, whether you remember that or not, so your thinking has been inclined in that direction. To which I reply, yes, I can't deny that. But are you suggesting that my mood has been affected by these things too? Because I haven't experienced such a sudden elevation in quite a while. So OK, I think the most reasonable explanation is that it's a combination of these factors: a minor coincidence in that I start a fairly steep climb out of depression a few days before this documentary is due to air. Actually, of course, the coincidental aspect is of miniscule importance compared to the fact that I now have the chance to learn quite a lot about bipolar disorder in a relatively pain-free way.
However, there was another coincidence today. I subscribe to a certain email newsletter about techy stuff, but I rarely get around to reading it. In fact, I only realised this morning that I didn't seem to have seen it for quite a while. This was during my morning meditation, before I switched the computer on. Why that came into my mind during meditation, I have absolutely no idea. However, when I did power up the PC, just 10 minutes later, what should pop into my inbox but the first of these newsletters since June!
I didn't realise it had been so long, at first, but checked back and, sure enough, there was the last one, marked unread. I opened it, and saw that this guy was moving house and saying he'd probably be off-line for 6-8 weeks. The latest message was full of apologies that it had been so much longer than he'd predicted. Now, the reappearance of this newsletter was definitely not trailed on radio or TV or in any newspaper or magazine, or on any website that I've seen. What are the odds that it should pop into my mind and my inbox within 10 minutes, when I hadn't noticed its non-appearance over 3 months? You tell me. But I'm sure Rupert Sheldrake would be interested.
As you know if you've been following this, I've been somewhat preoccupied today, as I bounce out of a period of depression, about whether I'm manic-depressive. What do you know, the actor and comedian Stephen Fry is presenting a television program all about bipolar disorder, with himself as the prime example, this very evening! (Here's the programme's website, which I've only glanced at so far but it looks really good.)
Calm down, you say, you've obviously seen trailers for it during the past few days, or seen it in the schedules, whether you remember that or not, so your thinking has been inclined in that direction. To which I reply, yes, I can't deny that. But are you suggesting that my mood has been affected by these things too? Because I haven't experienced such a sudden elevation in quite a while. So OK, I think the most reasonable explanation is that it's a combination of these factors: a minor coincidence in that I start a fairly steep climb out of depression a few days before this documentary is due to air. Actually, of course, the coincidental aspect is of miniscule importance compared to the fact that I now have the chance to learn quite a lot about bipolar disorder in a relatively pain-free way.
However, there was another coincidence today. I subscribe to a certain email newsletter about techy stuff, but I rarely get around to reading it. In fact, I only realised this morning that I didn't seem to have seen it for quite a while. This was during my morning meditation, before I switched the computer on. Why that came into my mind during meditation, I have absolutely no idea. However, when I did power up the PC, just 10 minutes later, what should pop into my inbox but the first of these newsletters since June!
I didn't realise it had been so long, at first, but checked back and, sure enough, there was the last one, marked unread. I opened it, and saw that this guy was moving house and saying he'd probably be off-line for 6-8 weeks. The latest message was full of apologies that it had been so much longer than he'd predicted. Now, the reappearance of this newsletter was definitely not trailed on radio or TV or in any newspaper or magazine, or on any website that I've seen. What are the odds that it should pop into my mind and my inbox within 10 minutes, when I hadn't noticed its non-appearance over 3 months? You tell me. But I'm sure Rupert Sheldrake would be interested.
Day 3/4, part 2
Still thinking about this mania thing. I'm getting by, at this part of my life, on a very low income. Yet I've spent over 1400 pounds on cameras during the last couple of years.
First I decided that high resolution was what I'd always been into (if you're into it too, here's a fascinating project), so I got a used Fuji GW690II, a classic medium format rangefinder camera, for about 600 pounds. Of course, for a medium format film camera, I needed a good scanner. I don't remember what that cost me, but it was well over 100, maybe nearer 200. However, despite the fact that's very nice equipment by most standards, I found I just wasn't using it much. So I thought I'd get with the times, and avoid the hassle of film processing and scanning, and spent around 650 on a new Nikon D70 digital SLR. Of course, to justify that, I had to sell the Fuji first, and I was genuinely unlucky there, because the market chose just that period for these cameras to plummet in price, and I got less than half what I'd paid for it, only a year earlier. And guess what? Despite it being a very good camera, I found I just wasn't using the Nikon, so I made what was probably the most sensible move yet, and sold it (getting between 2/3 and 3/4 what I'd paid), replacing it with a 200 pound Fuji E900, which is what I have now. And yes, despite the fact it's not nearly as good as either of its predecessors, I do use it. Its size probably has quite a lot to do with that, because it's practical to take with me most places, which I couldn't realistically do with either of the others.
So what's the conclusion? I really think I act reasonably when all of the circumstances are considered. Yes, I definitely go overboard and do less-than-sensible things, but to be sensible I think you need experience of having an even keel, mood-wise, which I don't. However, I really think I might now have a chance to get some.
First I decided that high resolution was what I'd always been into (if you're into it too, here's a fascinating project), so I got a used Fuji GW690II, a classic medium format rangefinder camera, for about 600 pounds. Of course, for a medium format film camera, I needed a good scanner. I don't remember what that cost me, but it was well over 100, maybe nearer 200. However, despite the fact that's very nice equipment by most standards, I found I just wasn't using it much. So I thought I'd get with the times, and avoid the hassle of film processing and scanning, and spent around 650 on a new Nikon D70 digital SLR. Of course, to justify that, I had to sell the Fuji first, and I was genuinely unlucky there, because the market chose just that period for these cameras to plummet in price, and I got less than half what I'd paid for it, only a year earlier. And guess what? Despite it being a very good camera, I found I just wasn't using the Nikon, so I made what was probably the most sensible move yet, and sold it (getting between 2/3 and 3/4 what I'd paid), replacing it with a 200 pound Fuji E900, which is what I have now. And yes, despite the fact it's not nearly as good as either of its predecessors, I do use it. Its size probably has quite a lot to do with that, because it's practical to take with me most places, which I couldn't realistically do with either of the others.
So what's the conclusion? I really think I act reasonably when all of the circumstances are considered. Yes, I definitely go overboard and do less-than-sensible things, but to be sensible I think you need experience of having an even keel, mood-wise, which I don't. However, I really think I might now have a chance to get some.
Day 3? 4?
Skipped a day, so I don't know what to call this.
This is terrible, I've been feeling so good that the idea of documenting my recovery seems boring at best, maybe even depressing. Except I've now developed a slight anxiety that what I really have is bipolar disorder, better known as manic depression. Maybe bringing myself down to earth, getting a sense of perspective, is just what I need.
It's certainly true that, when my depression lifts, I tend to develop enthusiasms that, looked back on later, seem a little over-the-top. On Sunday, driving back from seeing my mum and dad (which went averagely well, I'd say), I was thinking about HDR photography, which I've read a little about recently. I got home about 5pm, and by soon after 7, I'd had a meal, located some cheapish HDR software with a free trial download (easyHDR), downloaded and installed it, taken a photo (actually three shots of the same scene at different exposures, which HDR requires), processed it using the software and printed the results.
OK, that's not really OTT. It says much more about the condition of IT and the web in 2006 than it does about my mental state. But what about this: about a year or so ago I developed an enthusiasm for micro-hydro-power: hydro-electric schemes designed to serve just one or at most a handful of households. I read all I could find on the web about it, joined an email list, surveyed the area near my house and identified two possible sites, gave very serious consideration to starting a business consulting and perhaps constructing such schemes, and reserved a place on a residential course about them. Now, I'm in my fifties, with no relevant background whatsoever, and physical problems (more about them in the not-too-distant future, I'm sure) that probably rule out construction work altogether for good. After a few days I came to my senses and got my deposit back for the course.
Maybe writing this is doing some good. That really doesn't seem so bad, now. A bit over-enthusiastic, yes, but probably not manic. Of course, what I should really do is check out the defining symptoms. I know one of them is going without sleep due to excitement over such things, but that certainly doesn't happen much, if ever. I had real trouble sleeping Sunday night, but I eventually realized that was due to excess caffeine intake, which I have to watch for because I'm really sensitive to it. Last night's sleep was relatively good. I woke up a few times, but got back to sleep quite quickly each time. Maybe my mood upswings are entirely natural, as a reaction to the depression lifting, and I just need to try to maintain a balance, keeping my feet on the ground.
This is terrible, I've been feeling so good that the idea of documenting my recovery seems boring at best, maybe even depressing. Except I've now developed a slight anxiety that what I really have is bipolar disorder, better known as manic depression. Maybe bringing myself down to earth, getting a sense of perspective, is just what I need.
It's certainly true that, when my depression lifts, I tend to develop enthusiasms that, looked back on later, seem a little over-the-top. On Sunday, driving back from seeing my mum and dad (which went averagely well, I'd say), I was thinking about HDR photography, which I've read a little about recently. I got home about 5pm, and by soon after 7, I'd had a meal, located some cheapish HDR software with a free trial download (easyHDR), downloaded and installed it, taken a photo (actually three shots of the same scene at different exposures, which HDR requires), processed it using the software and printed the results.
OK, that's not really OTT. It says much more about the condition of IT and the web in 2006 than it does about my mental state. But what about this: about a year or so ago I developed an enthusiasm for micro-hydro-power: hydro-electric schemes designed to serve just one or at most a handful of households. I read all I could find on the web about it, joined an email list, surveyed the area near my house and identified two possible sites, gave very serious consideration to starting a business consulting and perhaps constructing such schemes, and reserved a place on a residential course about them. Now, I'm in my fifties, with no relevant background whatsoever, and physical problems (more about them in the not-too-distant future, I'm sure) that probably rule out construction work altogether for good. After a few days I came to my senses and got my deposit back for the course.
Maybe writing this is doing some good. That really doesn't seem so bad, now. A bit over-enthusiastic, yes, but probably not manic. Of course, what I should really do is check out the defining symptoms. I know one of them is going without sleep due to excitement over such things, but that certainly doesn't happen much, if ever. I had real trouble sleeping Sunday night, but I eventually realized that was due to excess caffeine intake, which I have to watch for because I'm really sensitive to it. Last night's sleep was relatively good. I woke up a few times, but got back to sleep quite quickly each time. Maybe my mood upswings are entirely natural, as a reaction to the depression lifting, and I just need to try to maintain a balance, keeping my feet on the ground.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Day 2
Did not sleep anything like as well last night as the night before, which was disappointing. I think I really need to eliminate negative thinking. The Human Givens Approach has a lot to say about the relationship between depression, dreams and sleep disturbance, and I'm quite convinced they're right. Last night, however, I think my problem was simply being in some turmoil over a fairly specific issue, which being more trusting, less cynical, and more positive generally, would alleviate. I'm a sort-of not-very-good Buddhist, and going back to Buddhist basics would definitely help. I don't have time to write much more now. Every Sunday afternoon I travel back to my home town and take my physically frail father (spinal stenosis) to visit my mentally frail mother (vascular dementia) in her care home. That can be difficult, but quite uplifting if it goes well. Here's hoping...
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