Day 5

A couple of Human Givens people have left comments (under Day 3/4, part 3, & Day 1), for which I'm grateful. They're thinking about setting up an HG blog so are looking around to see what there is already. They were quite complimentary but they might not be quite so keen on what I'm going to say today.

I've already mentioned that I'm a Buddhist of sorts and that I meditate. Coincidence or not, I don't know, but about the time I started reading the Human Givens book (see Day 1), I also had a really good meditation (though some say we shouldn't judge them). In fact, I caught a glimpse of emptiness. That's a Buddhist concept, for which the best online explanation I've found, after an admittedly brief search, is here.

I really think it's pointless to try to separate out influences here: did my mood upswing owe more to the book or the meditation? How much did the meditation owe to the reading? I don't know, but I am convinced that I'd have no need of any such reading if I could catch such glimpses on a regular basis. I practice mindfulness meditation everyday, and despite what I just said about judgement, I do need to improve its quality.

Lightening up a bit (because although I've been going on about them, I don't really attach much significance to them), here's another coincidence: in my work I deal with lots of people in the local area, so I collect loads of local phone numbers. I visited one client yesterday, and in the six years I've been doing this, I've never come across a number so close to mine as his: to turn one into the other, all you do is transpose two adjacent digits. And this chap is called Robin too, a name so uncommon that I don't think more than a couple of other clients share it. What are the chances of that?

The Stephen Fry documentary last night (previous post) was very interesting, by the way. I've decided that if I am bipolar, it's a very mild case—certainly compared to some of those in the film! So I'll just carry on trying to do what I know is good for me, which includes not worrying about things like that.

Day 3? 4?

Skipped a day, so I don't know what to call this.

This is terrible, I've been feeling so good that the idea of documenting my recovery seems boring at best, maybe even depressing. Except I've now developed a slight anxiety that what I really have is bipolar disorder, better known as manic depression. Maybe bringing myself down to earth, getting a sense of perspective, is just what I need.

It's certainly true that, when my depression lifts, I tend to develop enthusiasms that, looked back on later, seem a little over-the-top. On Sunday, driving back from seeing my mum and dad (which went averagely well, I'd say), I was thinking about HDR photography, which I've read a little about recently. I got home about 5pm, and by soon after 7, I'd had a meal, located some cheapish HDR software with a free trial download (easyHDR), downloaded and installed it, taken a photo (actually three shots of the same scene at different exposures, which HDR requires), processed it using the software and printed the results.

OK, that's not really OTT. It says much more about the condition of IT and the web in 2006 than it does about my mental state. But what about this: about a year or so ago I developed an enthusiasm for micro-hydro-power: hydro-electric schemes designed to serve just one or at most a handful of households. I read all I could find on the web about it, joined an email list, surveyed the area near my house and identified two possible sites, gave very serious consideration to starting a business consulting and perhaps constructing such schemes, and reserved a place on a residential course about them. Now, I'm in my fifties, with no relevant background whatsoever, and physical problems (more about them in the not-too-distant future, I'm sure) that probably rule out construction work altogether for good. After a few days I came to my senses and got my deposit back for the course.

Maybe writing this is doing some good. That really doesn't seem so bad, now. A bit over-enthusiastic, yes, but probably not manic. Of course, what I should really do is check out the defining symptoms. I know one of them is going without sleep due to excitement over such things, but that certainly doesn't happen much, if ever. I had real trouble sleeping Sunday night, but I eventually realized that was due to excess caffeine intake, which I have to watch for because I'm really sensitive to it. Last night's sleep was relatively good. I woke up a few times, but got back to sleep quite quickly each time. Maybe my mood upswings are entirely natural, as a reaction to the depression lifting, and I just need to try to maintain a balance, keeping my feet on the ground.